Book: Mars and Venus On a Date

“Mars and Venus On a Date: A guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship” By John Gray, PhD

• “It is not enough to merely be authentic in sharing yourself; to succeed in dating you need to consider how you will be interpreted as well.”
• “Learning from mistakes helps prevent the repetition of negative patterns.”
• “How you end a relationship has an enormous impact on the quality of your next relationship. Good endings make good beginnings.”
• “One of the reasons people end relationships with negative feelings is that they stay together too long.”
• “When soul mates fall in love there is simply a recognition. It is as clear and simple as recognizing that the sun is shining today, or the water I am drinking is cool and refreshing, or the rock I am holding is solid. When you are with the right person you just know. This knowing is not in any way dependent on a long list of reasons or qualifications. Soul love is unconditional. When the right person comes along you ‘just know,’ and you spend the rest of your life discovering why he or she is the right person.”
• “Even if you are with the right person, you cannot ‘just know’ if you do not first create the right conditions to open your heart to someone. Moving through the five stages of dating creates the right conditions for you to develop the ability to ‘just know’ when the right person comes along. It also allows you to ‘just know’ when you are with the wrong person.”
• “Just because you love someone doesn’t mean he or she is the one for you.”
• “People do not realize that love is not enough. If they discover that their partner is not right, either they feel guilty ending the relationship or they unnecessarily focus on what does not work in the relationship in order to justify leaving.”
• “There are basically four kinds of chemistry between dating partners; physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Physical chemistry generates desire. Emotional chemistry generates affection. Mental chemistry creates interest. Spiritual chemistry creates love. A soul mate includes all four.”
• “Choosing a soul mate is not a mental decision based on the pros and cons of a relationship. It is not an emotional decision based on comparing how a person makes you feel. It is not a physical decision based on how a person looks. It is much deeper. When our soul wants to marry our partner, it feels like a promise that we came into this world to keep.”
• “We can pick the right person only when our hearts are open, but it is also true that we can know for sure that a person is wrong only if our hearts are open as well.”
• “Most people find or are found by their soul mates when they are not really looking.”
• “Another important insight about soul mates is that they are never perfect. They will not have everything on your list of ideal qualities. They come with baggage. They, like you, have good days and bad days. They may not look the way you thought they would look, they may have flaws that you don’t like very much. They are not perfect, but when your heart is open and you know them, they are somehow perfect for you.”
• “Soul mates are the perfect partners to bring out the best in us, and sometimes that is done by having to work through issues.”
• “Each time you follow your heart and then plainly recognize that someone is not right for you, then you are definitely one step closer to finding the right person for you.”
• “Just as living separately from our parents is an important part of growing up, living separately from the opposite sex is equally important. Finding fulfillment through living alone or sharing a dwelling with friends of the same sex provides a strong foundation for eventually being able to share a life with someone of the opposite sex.”
• “Ultimately, taking the time to really get to know someone is the secret of success.”
• “To dig deeper he needs to ask himself these questions:
  • Could I possibly be the right man for her?
  • Could I possibly have what it takes to make her happy?
  • Do I care for her?
  • Do I want to make her happy?
  • Does her happiness make me happy?
  • Do I miss her when I am away from her?”
• “In stage two, it is very important for the man to do little things for the woman so he can repeatedly test and experience the idea that he has the power to make her happy.”
• “Men may talk a lot in the beginning of the relationship be- cause, in a sense, they are on a job interview. They are giving their date a verbal résumé of who they are by sharing what they think, feel, and value. Once a man gets the job and he is exclusive, a shift takes place because there is no longer any reason to keep talking.”
• “One of the most important things was to keep talking as he had talked on the first few dates.”
• “His resistance is also misunderstood. It is not that he is resisting giving the help; he is resisting her resentful attitude. He is resisting the negative picture her complaints are painting of him.”
• “A man is actually much more motivated to say yes to a woman’s requests when she asks him for support with an attitude that is free of strings, expectations, and obligations.”
• “To be most receptive and open to him, she needs to focus on trusting him and not giving him any advice, accepting him just as he is, not trying to change him in any way, and appreciating what he offers regardless of how much better she might like something else.”
• “After they had dated for a few months, she got used to his paying for dates and began to respond as if he was supposed to do it. Even though up to stage four the man is supposed to, it should never be taken for granted, even if the woman is also doing things for him.”
• “Instead, it is a time to evaluate how you are doing and what you can do to be your best self and bring out your partner’s best.”
• “• Physical chemistry creates desire and arousal.
  • Emotional chemistry creates affection, caring, and trust.
  • Mental chemistry creates interest and receptivity.
  • Spiritual chemistry opens our hearts, creating love, appreciation, and respect.”
• “When we are turned on to a partner on all four levels, we are ready to move on to stage four.”
• “Using the right dating skills cannot make you love someone more or make him or her love you more, but dating skills can assist you in discovering how much love you have for a person.”
• “In this fourth stage the strategy is slowly to become more intimate, revealing more and more of who you are.”
• “Now she can turn to her partner and share her vulnerable side; she can relax and be the rest of who she is.”
• “Increased intimacy makes a woman feel more vulnerable, and as a result her feelings will tend to rise and fall like waves.”
• “When a woman’s wave crashes, she has very little to give, temporarily. This is when a man is required to draw from his skills of stage three and continue giving his best without expecting an immediate return. He has to remember he has the power to provide for her happiness.”
• “Rather than giving solutions, a man can be most successful if he provides increased understanding and empathy. When her wave is crashing, what a woman needs to feel most is that she is not being judged or rejected for not being as loving.”
• “When a man experiences increasing intimacy, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer.”
• “The man should be careful never to talk more than the woman.”
• “When a man is there for a woman, he gets more in touch with his own feelings and needs. When a woman is there for a man, it may cause her to lose touch with her feelings and needs.”
• “A man can go to his partner to share his intimate and private thoughts, feelings, needs, wishes, and wants, but he must be careful to do this only when she has gotten her needs satisfied first. He must also be careful not to be overly sensitive. If he tends to get more upset about things than she does, it can prevent her from getting in touch with her true sensitive feelings.”
• “A man needs to be careful not to be too needy of a woman’s time, energy, and nurturing support.”
• “During this window of time, we have the greatest ability to learn and practice the two most important skills of staying married: the ability to apologizeand the ability to forgive. By practicing these two skills before the more difficult challenges arise, couples are then ready to get married.”
• “When a woman is upset she first wants to hear that you are sorry. When you say you are sorry it signals to her that you are open to hearing her feelings. Briefly say you are sorry without giving any explanation.”
• “When you say you are sorry, then she feels you care enough to give her the opportunity to talk about her feelings. Once she has talked about her feelings, you must be careful once again not to give any explanations or argue with her in any way. If she then wants to talk further, you should just listen to her response.”
• “In these six examples, the man apologized using one or more of these six nadjectives: inconsiderate, insensitive, selfish, mean, defensive, and overreactive. These are the six most important. Certainly a man can come up with others, but these will do. A woman never gets tired of hearing these nadjectives after a sincerely felt apology.”
• “When a woman expresses her forgiveness with any of the above phrases, it frees a man from becoming defensive and allows him to be more responsible and considerate of her needs.”
• “A marriage proposal, just like a woman’s acceptance of the proposal, should be a free and joyful expression of our heart’s desire, not an obligation.”
• “When a married couple plan to get a divorce they are generally advised to separate for several months before doing so.”
• “To ignite romantic feelings a woman needs emotional intimacy while a man needs physical intimacy.”
• “Perhaps the man wants get married and the woman is not ready. As we have already discussed, he should just move back to stage four and share his feelings in an intimate but nondemanding manner. If this doesn’t work, he should slowly move back through the stages, being careful not to hurt his partner’s feelings. Remember that this is a very delicate situation and should be handled with great sensitivity and consideration.”
• “We cannot create chemistry, but we can either prevent or support its growth.”
• “A woman becomes more special to a man when he finds that not only is he physically attracted to her, but he also likes her.”
• “A woman becomes even more special to him when he also finds that he is mentally attracted to who she is as a person.”
• “She becomes still more special when he is able to see her as an imperfect person but also lovable.”
• “While there may be many men with whom she feels mental chemistry, there are fewer men who cause her to feel emotional chemistry. At this point, she may discover that she also feels a physical attraction.”
• “Sometimes it is a man’s kiss that triggers in a woman her feelings of physical attraction.”
• “Emotional chemistry has a lot to do with a person’s personality.”
• “In level three, he is attracted to her character as well.”
• “Every relationship is a gift. It offers us the opportunity to prepare ourselves for finding and recognizing our soul mate. Each time you choose to move through the five stages of dating with a partner, you are increasing your ability to discern the right person for you. Each time, you gain the ability to shoot your arrow closer to the target. When a relationship ends, it is good to take some time to reflect on the gift and then begin again.”
• “Active interest is what we feel when we have a goal in mind: it motivates action to achieve a goal, thrives on achievement, and comes from a place of desire and confidence.”
• “Receptive interest is what we feel when we are openly considering the value of what is being offered: It is motivated to create opportunities to receive, thrives in response to support, and comes from a place of preference and worthiness.”
• “A woman’s receptive interest in a man generates his active interest in her.”
• “Flirting energy says, ‘I am looking and liking what I see. Maybe you could be the one to make me happy.'”
• “Pursuing is like going on a job interview.”
• “When a man compliments a woman in a more direct manner as suggested, it reassures her that she is being cherished and respected.”
• “The best compliments regard something special either about her person or about something on which she has spent a lot of time, thought, energy, or creativity.”
• “Asking a question after making a compliment also helps a woman to open up to receive the compliment.”
• “A man’s life is geared toward becoming more effective, letting others know how competent he is, and then being of service.”
• “Every Venusian instinctively knows that her ability to find fulfillment is based on three things: the ability to give love, the demonstration of her ability to have loving relationships, and the opportunity to receive love.”
• “A confident and competent man is very attractive to a woman, but what makes her more interested in him is his ability to ask questions and listen.”
• “When a woman asks a lot of questions, that is a secret Venusian signal that he should stop talking and ask her questions.”
• “When a woman talks about problems, a man mistakenly assumes that she is asking him what to do about them.”
• “I’m really glad I got to know you. I’ve decided that I want to get involved with someone else, and so I won’t be calling. Thank you for being so much fun; I really enjoyed the time we spent together.”
• “When you decide to get involved with someone else, never say why. It is hurtful to describe why another person is more desirable to you.”
• “Thank you for a wonderful date. I realized I am still dealing with a past relationship, and I don’t think I am ready to be dating a lot. I hope you don’t mind if I call sometime in a
  few months. This really isn’t the right time for me.”
• “Before marrying your partner, you will have experienced that he or she fully knows you, likes you, loves you, and is still attracted to you.”
• “Men are attracted to success. When a man feels he is a success in fulfilling a woman, he is more attracted to her.”
• “A man is excited by the thought of winning a woman over and encouraged by a feeling in his gut that says confidently, I could make her happy.”
• “A woman is excited by the thought of being seen, heard, and desired and reassured by the possibility of getting what she wants and needs.”
• “The first attribute that makes a woman most attractive is self-assurance.”
• “They respect themselves and assume others will respect them. A self-assured woman trusts that others care and that they want to support her. She does not feel alone. She feels supported by friends and family and by men. In her mind, almost all men are likable until proven otherwise.”
• “The second attribute that makes a woman most attractive is
  receptivity.”
• “A receptive woman is able to receive what she gets and not resent getting less. As soon as she is expecting more and resenting getting less, she is no longer being receptive.”
• “When a man feels he has to give because a woman has given so much to him, then it is no longer fun to give. It is like working to pay off your debts. A woman loses her sense of receptivity when she expects more than a man has been giving.”
• “Men love it when a woman can both disagree and express an attitude that she still likes him and trusts him to be a good guy.”
• “Accepting a man while disagreeing with him makes him feel free to be different. Men instinctively know that in many ways they are not like women. When a woman deals with their differences in a positive manner it frees him to be different.”
• “The third attribute that makes a woman most attractive is responsiveness.”
• “A man is most interested in pursuing a woman when he gets clear messages that he can make her happy.”
• “A woman’s responsiveness is most attractive when it is authentic and not exaggerated.”
• “It is not so much what a woman does for a man that makes him happy, but the way she responds.”
• “She is most attracted to him when
  he is confident, purposeful, and responsible. These three attributes make a woman feel more self-assured, receptive, and re-sponsive to him.”
• “The first attribute that makes a man most attractive is confidence.”
• “Confidence is a can-do attitude. He knows that no matter what happens, there is always a solution. Even if he doesn’t have the answer, he is confident that he can, and will, find one.”
• “When a man is confident he is able to come up with a plan.”
• “A man can get too attached to his plan and forget that the real gift he gives a woman is his sincere interest in making her happy. When circumstances don’t do it, then he can really score big by being caring, understanding, and respectful of her reaction to what has happened.”
• “A man with a purpose is most attractive to a woman. When he has a plan, a dream, a direction, a vision, an interest, or a concern, he is very attractive.”
• “When a man does what he says he will do, he automatically expresses a sense of responsibility; he radiates a sense of confidence that he will do what he sets out to do.”
• “A woman loves it when a man takes charge to follow through and do something without putting it back in her lap.”
• “Instead of needing a man primarily for survival and security, a woman needs a man for emotional comfort and nurturing.”
• “The more a woman does not need a man in the traditional ways, the more she needs his romantic attention and affection.”
• “It is her lack of appreciation for what he is offering that makes her ‘needy.'”
• “Happily married soul mates always have different interests. Certainly they have many shared interests, but quite often they have many more different interests.”
• “By recognizing this truth and actively seeking out situations where people have different interests, we dramatically increase our chances of experiencing more chemistry and meeting the right person.”
• “To find your soul mate, go to places where the people have interests different from yours.”
• “The second element is complementary needs. Soul mates basically have something that their partners need. When a man has what a woman needs, then she feels chemistry. For men, it is the other way around. When a woman needs what a man has to offer, he feels chemistry. This mutual dependence creates healthy emotional chemistry.”
• “Whenever a situation arises where leadership is required, you should jump at that opportunity.”
• “The third element is maturity. Soul mates basically have similar levels of maturity. In most cases, as we continue to grow older we gain a certain depth in our lives. We will automatically feel a chemistry with someone who reflects our level of maturity or depth.”
• “The fourth element of chemistry is resonance. Soul mates have similar values that resonate. This element of chemistry inspires us to be the best we can be. When we are with our partner, what is most important to him or her resonates with what is really important to us.”
• “When resentment builds, then our different interests become more extreme.”
• “When resentment is released with better communication, understanding, and forgiveness, our differences do not show up as obstacles.”
• “Resonance helps us to understand and support our partner’s point of view or needs, even when our perspective is different.”

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